(I can dream, can't I?)
Last weekend, I remarked to a friend that 2017 was just a plain damned bad year for us. There was death--both from old age and suicide. There was illness. People got hit by cars. There were more disappointments than can be counted, both professional and personal. There were stressful life situations, and shitty people. In fact, 2017 sucked so bad that it wasn't content to suck only in 2017--it started sucking in 2016, with the election!
People talk about how they have a theme, or a word, to define their year. Well, for me, the word for me in 2017 was endure.
For months, I was ready for the end of 2017. I know, I know. We can start over again every morning, and we don't have to wait for a new year. But there is something beautiful and pristine about January 1st. It's like a mini life-reset button. And so, when the end of 2017 rolled around, my friends and I paused in our game of Cards Against Humanity, raised our glasses of shitty champagne, said "Suck a nut!" to 2017, and metaphorically ran straight into the welcoming arms of the new year.
There's a lot that I'm looking forward to in this new year. Perhaps the most pleasing thing is that, in less than a month, I'll be moving into my own place. This is the culmination of the various upheavals and uncertainties I've been encountering in my life over the last four years--the divorce, the various moves, the living situations that I should have gotten out of my system when I was a college-aged nitwit, not a woman nearing middle age. My existence has felt so unsettled, so unpredictable, for so long, and I'm beyond ready to just dig in some roots, settle in, and live. Not extravagantly, or dangerously, or promiscuously. Just live my life, quietly and usefully, with my work and my hobbies and my modest pursuits, entertaining my friends, exploring my state, trying to mentally and emotionally recover from...so much. There has been so much that I haven't been able to know or count on, for so long. And perhaps that won't change. But I'd just like to take a year or two to be in my own home, experiencing my own life on my own terms, before having to strategize about what comes next. I've been worried about What Comes Next for so long, that I haven't been able to focus on What's Happening Now as much as I would like.
So here's what's happening now: I am in my warm bed, with a cat sitting next to me, his purr loud and happy. There's a winter storm brewing outside, and as usual, a thousand thoughts brewing in my head. My bunion is aching and I'm getting sleepy and I'm feeling safer and happier than I've felt in a long time, and I am happy with this moment of my life--which is, really, the only moment I have. I'm making plans and preparations for many future happy moments, but for now, I'll take this moment of happy...and be excited for more moments of happy to come.