Plague Diaries, Issue 19: March 31, 2020

What a long year the month of March has been! I'd say that I'm glad to see the back end of this month, except for the fact that April will be grimmer. But the only way out is through, and the sooner we plow through this, the sooner we can get out to the other side, and all the other cliches cannot withstand such an extraordinary situation.

Another day into this, and my health is still sound--and to the best of my knowledge, so is the health of my immediate family, friends, and colleagues. The sadness that lurked yesterday has retreated for the moment, but here's what's been haunting me today: guilt. I've done what I can do financially. I'm as trapped at home as most of us are. I am part of a mutual aid group for my county Facebook, and the requests for help--money, food, transportation, shelter--are heartbreaking. Just as sobering--the thing is, so many of the folks struggling now were the folks who have been struggling for a long while; it was this catastrophe that set so many of them over the edge into this terrible place of need. And in my safe, comfortable home, I watch the offers for aid come in, aid from strangers, to strangers. And I look at my bank account and my pantry and think, how much more can I spare? what else can I do while still taking care of myself and the Prof? 

In this war, we (the people staying the fuck at home) are, quite literally, the home front. The doctors and nurses are the soldiers. The politicians are...well, the politicians, same as always. Some of them dishonest, incompetent, and trying to protect their filthy lucre; others are doing right and trying to protect their constituents. And then there are others who are silent heroes, like the people who are coordinating mutual aid efforts. Maybe they akin to the first-responders who come and dig people out of the rubble and aftermath of a bomb? Anyway, it's hard to be one of the people having to "sit out" on this war, and there is always more help needed, more people suffering. It's hard to watch, and harder still to feel useless.

Something that I stumbled across, which can maybe help me (and anyone else who cares for it) to keep things in perspective and try to be kind to myself:

I "saw" my therapist today, through the wonders of teh Interwebs, and she reminded me of what I've been saying, too--this is unprecedented. All of it. Sure, plagues have happened throughout history, but never in a world as hyper-connected as ours currently is. So we (I) need to have a reasonable expectation of how much I, one person, can do. None of us should do nothing--we should each do our own personal best to help others--but what that personal best is will change from day to day. And no one else can decide what my personal best is. It's...well, personal.

My personal best today was tending to lots of chores and trying to do a little yoga, and responsibly using my groceries, and feeling a hell of a lot of guilt as I looked through the Mutual Aid Facebook page to see what I could help with. My personal best in the evening was succumbing to FOMO, plopping down on the couch, and watching Tiger King. If this is what the apocalypse is--forcing us to choose between exposure to COVID-19 and being white-trashed to death by Joe Exotic, I'm not sure I'm down for this version of the end of the world.

I'll leave you with this actual quote--something I said to the cats today: "Shoot, my work meeting is in 15 minutes. Time to put on a bra." Something else I didn't anticipate being part of this version--hell, any version--of the apocalypse.

Daily Indiana COVID-19 Count: 
2,159 (up from yesterday's 1786.)
49 people have died.

Daily News: 

Everything is awful. NEXT.

The Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluations released interesting projections of what this upcoming month will be like. Spoiler alert: Indiana is projected to hit peak resource use on April 18. Buckle up, y'all--this is gonna be like preparing for the most slow moving hurricane ever. Unless you're in Florida; in which case, don't bother with anything. Jackasses.

Daily Gratitude: 
Netflix Parties! Seriously. To be fair, I've doing a version of this for the past five years. But hey, if watching Tiger King with your sisters in Florida (one totally, not-at-all real example) keeps everyone staying the fuck at home, whatever. Thank goodness for it!

Daily Funnies:

Plague Diaries, Issue 18: March 30, 2020

Here's another thing about me, folks. A lot of the time, I don't feel like I am, by nature, an optimistic or positive person. My default thoughts are often cross and snarky and uncharitable, and when I try to give someone the benefit of the doubt, it's because I try, not because it happens by nature. I have dysthymia and anxiety, and each day, it's an immense effort, to say nothing of an act of courage, to try to be hopeful and optimistic.  (I also acknowledge that the more privilege one has--be it through their wealth, sex, skin color, education, physical appearance, similar support networks--the easier it is to maintain that optimism. It's easier to be cheerful and hopeful when your larder is stocked, your health insurance is paid up, and you have a network of family and friends to fall back upon.)

Tonight, I don't have that optimism. And I don't have the energy for that optimism.

It's funny--in general, it was a good day. I got my physical exercise done as soon as I rolled out of bed; I was quietly attentive in a work meeting; I stuck with my meal plan; I got chores done; I tended to Professor Susan. But on my way home from the Prof's, tonight, I

Just

Got

Sad.

Given that I am safe and healthy and financially sound, at present, I don't know that I am sad for myself. Maybe it's more of a sympathetic sadness, directed towards others. And guilt. And anger. So many people are stressed and scared and anxious. We're all isolated. Many of us are sick, or mourning those who have died, or are anxiously awaiting news about loved ones. Our lives are in limbo, waiting not just for this plague to pass, but also to see what the longer-term political and economic consequences will be. I think that there's starting to build within me an anger, for it's becoming more and more clear how so much of what we are going through could have been mitigated had our country and leaders been more competent and honest and proactive.

So, here we are. Here I am. After I got back from the Prof's this evening, I just sat in my home for a long time. Sat with these emotions, and these thoughts, until I felt able to get up, move around, and not be quite so pinioned by their unrelenting weight. And maybe, in putting those thoughts and feelings on here blaurgh, I can let them sit until I am ready to come contemplate them again.

I read on the Harvard Business Review recently, That Discomfort That You're Feeling is Grief. If that's the case, well then, there are some stages of this grief that we all have to work through. And I will tell myself what I have told many hurting people before: It's hard to know what's normal and healthy when you're grieving a loss. Let yourself feel how you need to feel. Try to find healthy ways to cope, but be gentle. And really, right now, there's no real normal ways to feel, anyway.

Tonight, I am sad. Tomorrow morning, I hope I will rise and turn my face to the sun and feel restored enough by sleep to once more resurrect the courage I need to be of good cheer in the days to come.

Before I switch over to the usual things I end these posts with, I'll leave you with this:

"Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness."
-Max Ehrmann, Desiderata

Daily Indiana COVID-19 Count: 

1786 (up from yesterday's 1514)
35 people have died.

Daily Gratitude: 

This fool, Indiana Jasonville Bruecks. 

Daily Funnies

Plague Diaries, Issue 17: March 29, 2020

Storms swept through last night, justifying the oppressive weather that had lurked the two previous days, and this morning I woke up to a much chillier, breezier, sunny day. I got a fair amount accomplished today, including a two hour nap. Normally in the evening on Sundays, I'd be dealing with "Sunday scaries", trying to wrap up last minute tasks and chores, and trying to rev myself up for the week ahead. But on this Sunday night I'm sitting on my couch, doing a jigsaw puzzle, watching Downton Abbey on Amazon Prime, and maaaaaaaaybe drinking champagne.

Is it Sunday? Was this even the weekend?

I never thought I would relate to this.
Yet here we are. 

Would you believe me if I told you that Indiana
was the one drinking the champagne?

These are not normal times.  And hopefully these times will pass. I don't know how long my liver can hold out.


Daily News:
 "President" Trump extended physical distancing guidelines until 30 April. 

YouTube is reducing video quality to ease burden on the Internet infrastructure. Huh. I thought my Internet's been a bit sluggish lately.


Daily Indiana COVID-19 Count: 
1514 (up from yesterday's 1232)
32 folks have died.

Daily Gratitude 
I've never been much of a cook. Meal planning and grocery shopping stress me out, my schedule is pretty erratic, and the effort to cook and clean up has always been discouraging. This freakish moment in history, however, has presented me with both the need and opportunity to cook. I've done a fair amount of it in the last few weeks. Today's creation was a spinach and cheddar quiche:

So what am I grateful for? Instacart. Eggs. Cheese. Quiche. More cheese. Did I mention cheese?


Daily Funnies

Plague Diaries, Issue 16: March 28, 2020

Let's get deep for a moment, y'all. You're about to learn stuff about me.

I define myself by my productivity, my usefulness, my capacity to serve and help and give to others. Those are the ways in which I derive my self-worth. It's not healthy, probably, and it's something that I do try to work on with my therapist, but at my core, it's who I am.

Well, limit my capacity to do any of this--put me in prison, if you will--and what am I left with, at my core? Who am I?

I've lost count of the number of people who have told me that "this is a gift", and that now is the time when I should write a novel. (Why a novel? Just because I like to read them, doesn't mean I want to produce them.) And it is a gift, insofar as I've been gifted with the freakish privilege of remaining employed and only permitted to do the minimum of work. And I suppose that it's an opportunity, in so far as I can use this time to establish a sense of worth beyond my utility to others and my productivity. Because I'm not being productive. I'm sleeping a lot, and scrolling through my phone a lot, and I am not utilizing this gift.

And then I came across this article. The TL; DR: "The truth is this moment isn't a gift. It's an unwanted trial. [...] These are not conditions in which to thrive. Just get through the damn day. If that's all you accomplish, that's enough."

Is all of this a way of excusing myself for sleeping until 11:30 AM, and then taking a two hour nap at 5 PM?  Maybe, but it's no less true for that reason.

This fool feels no guilt. Why should I?

Daily News:

Some Instacart workers are planning a strike. I honestly wondered when this would happen. I know many people are probably thinking "how dare they do this during this time?" To which I respond: When the hell else would any of us listen to them? Certain industries have a great deal of leveraging power right now. And there's no reason--no morally sustainable reason--why these essential people should not have protections and livable wages.

The CDC issued a travel advisory for New York, Connecticut, and New Jersey. Good lord.


Daily COVID-19 count in Indiana:

1232 cases (up from yesterday's 981.)

31 folks have died.


Daily Dose of Gratitude: 
Backstory: Three years ago, I had the misfortune to be living with an absolutely awful roommate (and probably human being.) She was deeply mentally unstable, and also just rather deliberately hateful. I dreaded going home, and stayed in my room with my door closed and locked whenever possible. So I am so freaking lucky to now be living in my own space, safe during this time, in a cozy, relatively spacious home, with my peace (and cats) undisturbed, unharassed. I know not everyone has that to fall back on.

Daily Funnies

Plague Diaries, Issue 15: March 27, 2020

Last night, in the wee hours, I was dimly aware of rain steadily falling, and thunder crashing. It was a cozy feeling, to be there in bed, dozing lightly but not wanting to sleep and miss the storm. It was also the most normal thing I've experienced in a while. I am finding that it's the nature shit that seems to bring consolation, or at least something upon which to anchor one's self. The spring season progresses; the trees bud; the birds sing; the daffodils bloom. There's no coronavirus in their world.

Today, the weather is freakishly, inappropriately, unseasonably warm (just as it has been throughout most of this past offensively warm winter) --it's been in the low 70s, and fairly humid, and cloudy. It feels ominous and oppressive and we are probably entering Spring Storm season, and that's the last thing we need--for Mother Nature to drop an EF5 tornado on our ass.

This wasn't a productive day. I slept late, I didn't exercise, I ate crap, I scrolled through my phone too much, I did the bare minimum of chores. But--I didn't freak out, didn't spend time lamenting cancelled plans, didn't focus on how all of our lives our on hold I did reach out to many people, I did stick to my blogging schedule, I did do a few chores, I did not feel sick with anything. And tomorrow is a new day, with countless opportunities to be better and do better, whether I can leave my home or not.

News of the Day, and Amused Meanderings: 

Zoom is totally a thing now. I can attest to this, personally, because prior to, like, a week or so ago, I'd never really heard of, or used, Zoom. Within the past 7 days, I've used it 4 times--twice for work, once with friends socially, once with strangers, socially. Remember when I was reflecting on what may change due to COVID-19? Welp, at the very least, some stockholders' lives, somewhere, have been changing!

Boris Johnson (AKA "Metric System Trump") has coronavirus. Christ.

COVID-19 count in Indiana: Y'all, I just about done had a heart attack today. Yesterday, cases were at 645--today, 981. Positive test results increased by 50% in one 24 hour period. Yes, yes, we are testing more, but that's beside the point--and how is that reassuring? That the more we test, the more we find? That only means it's more motherfucking pervasive. Also, to the best of my knowledge, we're still only testing folks in the "at risk" category. So what does that mean? To me, it means that there are hundreds, probably thousands, of people who are not at risk, who are asymptomatic, who are carrying this, and transmitting it, and we're not testing them, so we don't know.

This is it. This is happening. I don't care to make prognostications in a semi-public place like this, because I hate being wrong, but nonetheless...this is it. I think we missed the window to flatten the curve. Maybe things would be worse if many states--including my own--hadn't sheltered in place, but things are gonna be bad enough. Please listen to me. Do this simple thing--aspire for hypothetical goodness, and unselfishness, even if you don't believe what's happening. Do this for other people.

We cannot sanitize everything, all the time. I am trying to wash my hands at least hourly, and that's still not enough. Each time each of us go out, we make the situation worse. You might feel fine. You might be fine. But each time you go out, and I go out, and we go out, we Make. Things. Worse. I know things suck right now. It's the worst. But please, for the love of god, as much as you are able, as much as your job permits it, stay home and limit your contact with other people as much as possible. When this is all over, we will celebrate in the streets and shake hands of strangers and if some cute feller wants to kiss me and the Prof as we are rollin' and strollin' on the streets, he'll be welcome to do so if only we just

Stay

The

Fuck

Home.

Still, Let's End Things on a Positive Note, Once Again:

Plague Diaries, Issue 14: March 26, 2020

Hey, look at that. I woke up this morning, not dead. Or even feeling at all less than right as rain. But that's the thing (or, at least, one of the things) about anxiety: it tells some compelling, horrifying stories, and it knows how to tell it them to you a way that makes you listen.

So, another day, Living My Best Plague Life (TM). After an initial restlessness in the first few days of hunkering down, I've hit my stride; so long as I try to keep to some semblance of a regular wake-in-the-morning-go-to-sleep-at-night schedule, I don't feel too much like I am living in a twilight world. I certainly have plenty to keep myself busy and entertained, and I'm reaching out and meeting up (virtually) with family and friends and colleagues quite often. The more I stay inside, the safer I feel, but I have to venture forth to tend to Professor Susan three times a week, and usually have to stop somewhere for some supplies. Really, if it weren't for The Prof, I wouldn't really be interacting much with anyone, face to face. I guess you could say she's my friend at the end of the world.

I actually took a special trip over to her place today, for a much-anticipated stroll-and-roll. (The Prof relies on a wheelchair for most of her circumambulation.) Last week, she and I were lamenting about how this was unfolding during spring, one of the most lovely times of the year, and we hatched the plan to take a little jaunt around her neighborhood, the next time the weather turned fair. We settled on today, but wouldn't you know, as soon as I stepped out of the car, it started drizzling. Nonetheless, we ventured forth, with me trying to walk about 6 feet behind and to the left, and did our best to enjoy the spring day.

Other accomplishments of the day: I cleaned off my back deck and the patio furniture--now that the weather is perking up, I definitely plan to incorporate that space into My Best Plague Life (TM). Once again, I pillaged Damn Delicious and made their recipe for Sheet Pan Nachoes:

And finished coloring yet another postcard:

Meanwhile, beyond the borders of my circumscribed little world, all is shit:

The United States has surpassed China to become the epicenter of the Coronavirus Pandemic. Really, folks? That's what we want to overachieve at? Maybe if we had closed our malls and libraries and restaurants and went on lockdown earlier, we could have avoided what's coming. But...'Murica. Hell no.

COVID-19 cases in Indiana are now up to 645 from yesterday's 477.

And, to resume ending things on a positive note:

Plague Diaries, Issue 13: March 25, 2020

Just another day of screaming into the void. 

Tonight, I'm not totally okay. In fact, I'm rather not okay. I've been fairly good with self-isolating and keeping myself away from most people and washing my hands and sanitizing my surroundings; up until this point, it was so I wouldn't go spreading plague to others, and wouldn't put Professor Susan at risk. But I've encountered so many articles about 20- and 30-somethings falling ill and dying, and at one point in the early evening, I felt the slightest tickle in my throat. And after that--game over. I've been an anxiety bunny all evening. What if I get sick? I don't want to die. Who will take care of the cats if I get sick? Will I have to die alone? 

Usually, I try to keep a relatively positive tone in these plague diaries, but tonight, I just don't have it in me. I'm sorry. Tomorrow I will try to go back to whistling in the dark, but not right now.  Plus, Prince Charles has COVID-19--what the actual fuck? When coronavirus comes after the royal family, you know it means business. 

COVID-19 cases in Indiana increased from 365 (yesterday) to 477. 

I'm tired and a little scared, so I don't have the energy to go digging through teh Interwebs for amusing, thematically-appropriate stuff. But I will leave this here, as a reminder to me and to anyone else who might need this right now: 

Plague Diaries, Issue 12: March 24, 2020

Pro-tip: Following your cats around and taking an obsessive number
 of pictures will fill approximately four hours of your day. 

The days in self-isolation march on, and without much effort, I manage to fill my time. Tuesday has been no different--I had a virtual meeting in the morning and virtual happy hour in the evening to anchor my day around, with a late-afternoon nap filling a goodly amount of the time. I also managed to do a little cooking: sheet pan zucchini parmesan 

The verdict? Meh. Tasty enough, but just...messy and not worth it.

The only other thing of note I did with my day was indulge (if such a word can be used) in a lengthy conversation with my ex, the former Mr. Melissa. Plague-time is a great time to catch up with folks we haven't communicated with in a while and make sure they're doing alright. Maybe it doesn't make a difference at all, but "good vibes" (god I hate that term") and kind words and conversations are never a bad thing, especially during times like these.

Quote of the Day, from my sister: "I cancelled that appointment. I'll reschedule when the world's done ending."

Total cases of COVID-19 in Indiana: up to 365, from the previous day's count of 259.

Funny Shit of the Day: 

Plague Diaries, Issue 11: March 23, 2020

Week 2 of this whackadoodle, twilight, in-between existence. Today, I stuck, more or less, to a schedule of work and recreation and exercise and dining, although I slept a bit later than I would have liked. This was due to the fact that I was up until the wee hours this morning, on the phone with a friend from California who was trying to convince me that this is legitimately the end of the world. (News flash, guys: it's not.) We agreed that if things get bad, though, I'll establish a new matriarchal society in which one's political power and social standing are determined by the number of cats in one's entourage. I can get on board with that kind of brave new world. Just sayin'.

It was a painfully beautiful early spring day. I almost wish the weather would turn cold and nasty and wet for a few weeks, to keep people inside. But still, as my uncle and I remarked to each other during our phone call today, it's still kind of comforting. "The chipmunks and birds don't give a shit. We humans, we're kind of incidental to the world's progress right now."

Here are two other critters who aren't overly perturbed by current events:

They're not purr-turbed at all!

I actually had human interaction today--with The Prof,  the woman for whom I'm a personal assistant/caregiver. I've known her for a significant chunk of my life, and we have a funny and delightful relationship that's part friendship, part employer/employee, part mentor/mentee. Her health is compromised, so she is is one of the reasons why I am  fiercely guarding my exposure to others. Other than venturing forth for supplies, I keep myself sequestered so as to protect her. You know, like we should all fucking be doing anyway. I've also had a couple of virtual happy hours in the evenings with some friends/strangers/colleagues, but those are almost counter-productive for me; they are vital for my sanity, but afterwards I feel a little lonesome, a little bereft.

I'm reading PS I Still Love You, White Fragility: Why It's So Hard to Talk to White People About Racism, and The Road to Little Dribbling. I'm bingeing Schitt's Creek, and when I'm on the exercise bike, I'm listening to the podcast Pretty Basic. I've been doing a fair amount of coloring, too...

I'm taking it day by day, and I'm trying to keep faith that we, as a global society, will make it through.

Funny--I've been keeping this blog in a desultory fashion for years, but I've always struggled for content, probably because I struggle with Who the hell cares? Even though I care, and that should be enough. And now that my life is at a complete standstill in so many ways, this is when I am being vigilant about updating things here. Is there any content that y'all would like me to post about? I do well with writing prompts.

Now, let's turn to the business of the day:

Here in Indiana, we've finally gotten our orders to stay the fuck at home. 

COVID-19 count here in Indiana: Up to 259, from yesterday's 201. To all of you 259: I don't know who you are, but I am sending my love and hope your way. Even if you got COVID-19 because you didn't stay the fuck at home.

Memes, Tweets, and/or Funny Shit of the Day:

Plague Diaries, Issue 10: March 22, 2020

It's been a slow day, over here at The Haggery. Perhaps because I had a mimosa-in-bed Skype date with my sisters this morning, and well after the Skype date ended, I stayed in bed. With my mimosas.

I'm not saying it's the best way to spend a lazy Sunday at the end of the world, but...oh, hell. Yes, yes I am saying that. 10/10, would recommend to a friend.

Other than that, I napped (those mimosas wore me out!) and sneaked out of The Haggery for a quick trip to leave some of that delicious turkey chili on a colleague's doorstep. Then back home, where I set up camp in bed again. Whatever. It's the weekend. A really, really, really long weekend. 

Like Saturday, COVID-19 cases in Indiana took a pretty sharp spike today--up to 201 from yesterday's 126. That's about a 59% increase. 

Like always, I'll leave a few funny things here: