Plague Diaries, Issue 45: April 26, 2020

TFW the high point of your day is when you've cleaned your glasses and you can see much more clearly...followed by the low point when you realize you can see things much more clearly.

I spent two minutes last night describing to Middle Sister a tense political standoff between my two cats as they fought for preference over two dishes of the same kind of cat food.

Y'all, I think quarantine is finally starting to get to me.

Mood.

Those who know me best know that I am undeniably an extroverted introvert. I like some socializing and adventures (planned out is preferable) but I need a lot of alone time to decompress and recharge. But I need meaningful interactions in my life with trusted and beloved family, friends, and colleagues. Like all of us, I need to be seen and known. But oh my god do I need my alone time. It was one of the (more minor) reasons why my marriage foundered, I think. So. Anyway, when I say that quarantine and social isolation are starting to get to me...I shudder to think of how more extroverted people are coping right now.

It doesn't help that I also live with the Black Dogs of  anxiety and depression. (I prefer to say live with, and not suffer.) For me, personally, routine helps keep those Black Dogs in their kennel. And so, it should come as a surprise to no one that, since mid-March, the Black Dogs have been barking louder. And the last few days, it's felt like they've escaped their kennel and are running amok through my head and spirit.

I don't say all of this now to alarm anyone. I'm not okay, but I'll be okay, you dig? I'm just putting it out there because, "Better out than in," and also, to let you know, in case you're struggling, you are not the only one. You are alone in your struggles in the same way that I am alone in mine--we are all on the front lines of a battle field in which there are only two opponents: me (or you) against the Black Dog of whatever mental/emotional struggles exist in our lives. And the thing is--the battle doesn't really end. The foe is often subdued, but never defeated. Sometimes the foe grows in strength and our spirits seem to shrink; sometimes we live with the foe as part of an uneasy Armistice, in which the foe jealously side-eyes our contentment and hope and suspects (rightly so) that we are building up our arsenal and shoring up our defenses with routine and self-care and therapy and positive relationships and creative endeavors and attempts at building up our self-esteem. We can never be certain when the next "hot spot" of the battle is, but in extraordinary times like this, it's just about a given that our Black Dog--our beautiful enemy--will attack.

I'm not okay. But I'll be okay. And for those of you who suspect that you're not okay--all I can say is that you have my kind thoughts and wishes, and my prayers that you are able to withstand this latest battle. The only way out is through. And how we are feeling now is not us--our thoughts and emotions and Black Dogs may be part of us, in a way, but they are not all of us. And this is not forever.

Daily Indiana COVID-19 Counts:
Total Number of Cases: 15,012 (Up from yesterday's 14,395)
813 people have died.

Daily Gratitude: 
Prozac, therapy, and a solid support network.