28 Days Later

Well, actually, 32 days, but whatever. 

Yesterday I was taken aback by how normal I felt. Not sad or angry or preoccupied or anxious or grieving or depressed or ruminative or dysregulated. As I've reflected to several people, "I feel like I am groggily starting to awaken from some sort of spell."

That I was complicit in casting it is something to unpack with my shrink Dr. Feelgood. 

Lessons Learned (Thus Far):

• Keep a journal over the course of your relationship. Document the good, the bad, the ugly. If the relationship ends, re-read that journal. It might help you see how things gradually deteriorated, and keep you from only dwelling on the (fleeting, minimal, ephemeral highlights.)
• When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. 
• If someone doesn't have friends (only collegial acquaintances and a string of ex-lovers) that's a huge red flag. 
• Trust your intuition. If something feels wrong, or off, it's because it is. 
• People and words lie. Patterns and behaviors don't.
• If someone wants to make the effort (to value you, cherish you) (to make reparations, to change bad behaviour or unkindness) they will. If they wanted to, they would. If they are not changing or fixing or making actual effort, then despite what they may say, they don't want to. It is not important to them. 
• If you state a (very reasonable) boundary and someone says "No, I can't do that", that is your sign to get the fuck out right now. 
• It is perfectly right and proper to expect consistency and respect. It's normal to want and expect to be cherished. 
• If you state your pain, and someone is dismissive and/or condescending, end it. Burn it down.

The best advice I've gotten, via my dear friend Paul: 

"No. Don't reply to his text. You already dropped the mic. Don't get back on the stage and pick it up again. Let your silence be the period at the end of the last sentence you sent to him."