Days to Dust

There's no good way to preface this, so I'll just say it how it is: last month, shortly after the summer finally gave way to fall, and after the most awful 2 work weeks of my life, I saw that my cat Indiana had developed a sudden blood clot, and I ultimately had to make the heart-rending decision to euthanize him. 

I did what I could for him--as soon as I saw something was wrong, I texted my vet friend, Dr J, for advice. Ten minutes later, we were out the door. I drove 80 miles an hour along country roads and through construction zones to get to the nearest after-hours vet, all the while hoping that something could be done. I didn't know how bad it was until the kindly vet tech told me our limited options. And then I did the next right thing I could: I decided quickly to end Indiana's suffering, and I said good-bye. 

We got him when he was just a half-grown kitten; he was my gift to my then-husband (was-band) for our one year anniversary. But Indiana Jasonville Bruecks became my cat very quickly--so much so that I got custody of him in our eventual yet inevitable divorce.

 
He was a neurotic goofball and a total dope. He had a big personality, and never knew a stranger. He had massive paws and tiny ears and a beautiful swooping tail. He was a marmalade all over, except for a funny little black dot on his paw. He loved to attack fresh sheets when I was making up the bed, and he would happily commit murder for just a little more wet food. When he was happy, he didn't purr... He huffed and puffed and drooled, like a pervvy old man making the best of obscene phone call of his life. "You're a mess," Middle Sister used to tell him, and he would just huff and drool in blissfully contented agreement.

 
He was in my life for 10 years, and was hale and hearty right up until that last, godawful day. I thought we would have many more years together, but I was so wrong.

 
We assume we will have our fur companions forever, but we won't. And even if we did, forever still wouldn't be long enough.

   

"There will be a hole in my heart forever

That will be the shape of you

And darling when your heart was breaking

You were breaking my heart, too."

-Sofia Talvik

Armchair Travel: Antelope Valley, California

Among my closest family, friends, and colleagues, I'm a bit notorious for my rather intense distaste for all things California.  The funny thing was, this wasn't something that sprung up after I moved away; California and I always had a less-than-perfect relationship, from the very beginning. Well, time and distance have blunted some of my unhappier memories, to the point where I'm almost ready to go back for a visit, and I'm certainly open to taking a trip down memory lane every now and then. Fortunately, during my almost-decade there I did manage to tamp down my disdain enough to occasionally go forth and explore some of the many, many rather awesome things that California had on offer.

Today, April 6, is designated as California Poppy Day, in honor of the California State Flower, which is (gasp!) the poppy--specifically, the Eschscholzia californica, the California Poppy. In honor of this rather whackadoodle holiday, I decided to sit down and blog a bit about the time I had the opportunity to frolic about in literal vast fields of these rather lovely little flowers. 

While I reckon you can find the California poppy in lots and lots of parts of the state, there's this one area which is rather famous for its concentration: the Antelope Valley California Poppy Reserve. It's located in the middle of fuckin' nowhere, in northern Los Angeles County (hard to think that anyplace out in Southern California could be considered the middle of nowhere, but really, it's a damned big state.) It's rather a desolate bit of the region, save for when the poppies are in bloom. And not every year is a good bloom season--it depends on the when and the how much rain that falls in a given year. So, while strolling the poppy fields of California had been on my bucket list for many years, it wasn't until the spring of 2014 that an opportunity of good timing enabled me to explore them. 

My travel companions (my was-band, and a couple of our housemates) and I ventured out on Easter Sunday, and after a lot of driving, we got to the nowhere place of all the poppies. (Hey, I think that should be the new name for the nature preserve! or at least the title of an epic poem.) To be honest, I'm not even sure we made it into the proper preserve; there were so many fields blanketed in the orange-gold blooms, we just stopped and strolled wherever the was-band deemed photogenic enough. 

The region we explored...it was vast. Huge. Big sky, big fields. We rarely encountered other folks. Only sheep.

Given the mercurial nature of the bloom season, if you live far away, it can be difficult to time your visit so that you can get the full poppy experience. Now that I live far away, I reckon it's unlikely that I'll have a chance to return, at least in this lifetime. There are always more places to travel to, after all. But if you can find a way, do try to explore these vast fields and their blooms. 

March in Review

Well, let's first address the elephant in the room: My whole "blog every day in March" turned out to be a flop. Not sure why, exactly...I think it was a combination of "jesus christ, what the fuck am I supposed to blog about today," "oh god it's 10pm and I haven't started and I'm so exhausted," and, finally, "fuck this."

On the bright side, it did get me in the mode of trying to brainstorm content and be proactive and strategic about planning content. I think, part of it too, is always trying to remember why I blog. God knows, blogs seem to be "so 2010", and one need look no further than someone like the Pioneer Woman to see how far they have evolved (and not in a good way, as far as I can tell.) Also, I was never in this for getting views or whatever. My main purpose in blogging has always been to quietly remind myself that while I don't matter on a grand universal scale, my life matters to me, and I enjoy documenting my struggles and joys and reflections and explorations and little accomplishments, and sometimes even my acquisitions. So that's what I need to remember when writing and planning and brainstorming. 

So! other than my blogging failure, what else did March bring?

• MY FIRST VACCINE! On Friday the 26th, I took a rather circuitous route out to Spencer, where I got my first Moderna jab. The vaccine site was at the First Nazarene Church, and while I confess myself a little surprised that the Nazarenes would have anything to do with letting something so sciencey take place in their church, I was a little reassured: if the Nazarenes are letting us use their church as a vaccination site, the vaccine can't be the Mark of the Beast, right?  From beginning to end, the experience was smooth, and the road trip out to Spencer was, in and of itself, a pleasant reminder of Indiana explorations to come. Which brings me to...

• The concept of "The After Times." Very early on, I began referring to the time before the pandemic as "The Before Times." And then, of course, the pandemic itself, I've been calling The End of the World, or the Apocalypse. I was so engrossed with simply surviving that it has only been in this last month that I began to register what my friend Jain is calling "The After Times." Yes, the pandemic is not over. Yes, we still need to be not utter dickholes and mask up and be considerate. But many of us are well on our way to being vaccinated, and that means it's time to think about hope, and making plans, and rebuilding. I'm already plotting my first big vacation!

• Beautiful weather: Normally, I have a love-hate relationship with spring. I hate the fact that it's a harbinger of summer, my least favorite season, but this winter was so bleak and dark, both literally and metaphorically, that I couldn't help but to rejoice in the fact that March seemed to be unusually warm. This warm spring, coupled with the rapidly-expanding availability of the vaccine, seems like a true rebirth in every sense of the word. 

• This also led to my annual "cleaning of my deck space"

Before (resembling a post-apocalyptic wasteland)

After (And ready for After Times Entertaining!)

• March 22--my 5 year Indianaversary! How the hell have I been home 5 years already?

• Word of the month: "Vaccined" (tipsy shorthand for "vaccinated")

• Quote of the month: "I consider myself 'man-agnostic.' I'm have neither faith nor disbelief that decent men exist. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that I'm open to the possibility, but I'm not motivated enough to go out and find evidence." -Me, of course

What did March bring into your life?

Raise Your Glass to the Turning of The Seasons

Happy Vernal Equinox! 

I spent the day doing a bit of cleaning, and then spending time wandering by a pretty creek with a friend, and then came home to a quiet evening of reflection and conversations with distant friends. It was a good way for me to commence this new season.

Growing up in Florida as I did, I never really experienced seasons. Or, if I did, they were of the "hot-hotter-hell-hurricane season" variety. So I didn't ever experience the hopeful green of spring, the lively but not killing warmth of summer, the colourful magic of fall, or the holy hush of a winter snow. None of those natural rhythms and routines and rituals were within my realm of experience--and even at a very young age, I felt like this was unnatural and wrong.

It wasn't until after I had moved to Indiana and endured the grim, grey, unrelenting chill of Midwestern winter that I was truly able to appreciate the hope and joy of a burgeoning Midwestern spring. And oddly, I feel like the two need each other--that we cannot really appreciate the joy of spring without having undergone the dark winter. Hello, metaphors, could you be more obvious?

(Now, imagine living in a time where food and warmth were genuinely scarce during the winter, and then I think we can perhaps really appreciate how extreme the joy of spring must have once been.)

Still, it has been rather a long and dark and lonely winter, moreso than usual, so I must admit that I greeted this first day of spring with more than a little...well, not joy, I don't have that much energy...but with extreme and pronounced pleasure. This beautiful first day of spring in 2021 here in Southern Indiana was one of the most fittingly lovely I've yet to encounter. The earth and trees are still bare and brown and grey, of course,  but the sky was a brilliant, cloudless blue; the air was crisp, the world touched with plenty of sunlight...and my spirits were raised by the news that on Monday, my age group will become eligible for the COVID vaccine here in Indiana.

It was perfectly fitting news to have on today, of all days. I certainly could have done without the grim isolation of this Coronavirus Winter, but I will admit, the spring is all the more joyful for knowing that it seems like we are coming to this cruel, blighted winter's end. 

Friday Frivolities, Volume 1

The older and hopefully wiser I become, the more I realize that most of the joy I find in life comes from the little stuff. The frivolous stuff, one might say. (But if it brings us joy, and joy is the substance of life, can it really be frivolous?) Anyway, here's a rundown on the things bringing me joy right now:

• So many people in my life are getting vaccinated, or have appointments to get their first vaccine. Middle Sister, and her husband. My Duncle and Aunt. Some of my closest colleagues. Many of my friends. This makes me so, so happy for them, and a little weight of worry is slowly being lifted from my heart. Do I have FOMO? Hell yeah I do. But that's okay. My time is coming.

• The advent of Spring! Admittedly, I have a love-hate relationship with spring. It heralds the onslaught of the Bad Times (AKA my nemesis, summer), but by the end of winter, even I am ready for a break in the relentless grey and chill, and now that I live in a place with four honest-to-god seasons, I very much do appreciate the metaphorical and literal beauty of rebirth that comes at this time of year. 

• This fool:

His name is Watson. My downstairs neighbor/friend belongs to him, and
I'm pretty sure he has everyone in our building wrapped around his paw.
He uses those soulful beagle eyes to devastating effect.

         

• Slow, quiet Friday evenings in, when I can putter about the kitchen and cook and listen to postmodern rock and pleasantly anticipate a work-free weekend

• Finally finishing the puzzle I've been working on all winter (no pictures, because the cats have already started knocking pieces out of it)

• My latest colouring project...I'm really pleased at how it's turning out so far!

• A work colleague recently gifted me with a "housewarming" gift for my dollhouse. How fun is that? Maybe I'll (eventually) throw a housewarming party for it, teehee!

What are some of the little things bringing you joy right now?

The Unbearable Cuteness of Being

Disclaimer: My mother was legitimately a Crazy Cat Lady. I think, at one time, she had in excess of 40 cats. And while cats populate my dreams at night a lot--I mean, a lot--I keep my crazy cat lady instincts sharply in check. It's amazing how much of a motivation Don't become your mother has become in my life. I've got two cats, and that's quite enough for me to be getting on with. 

Having said that, deep in my heart, I am a Crazy Cat Lady. I love these fuckers, even when I am screaming at them. We've driven each other a bit crazy (crazier) over this last year, but we've also been good company. Here are some of the cutest moments over the last 12 months...

This was that one morning, back towards the beginning of the pandemic,
when they were quietly discussing potential rebellion. 

This is the look Indiana gives you to lure you in with his cuteness...
right before he decides to attack you. 

Austen, on the other hand, always acts as innocent as he looks.

That time that Indiana decided to hide from 2020.

And that time that Austen decided to attack 2020 where it hurts. 

I call Indiana "my roadblock." Because he is big and orange and always in the way.

Austen could be a model. 

Indiana can't be bothered. 

Austen has seen some shit. 

Indiana isn't the best at hiding. 

This cat has a look that could melt butter. 

Indiana is VERY good at being a roadblock. 

Austen...well, I guess he sees a lot of shit. 

The observation of one of my colleagues

TRUTH

Best of the Memes

Holy cats, Daylight Savings Time did a number on me this year! I didn't lose an hour, I lost a couple of days. It definitely threw me off my game in a lot of different ways--including my blogging game. I fell off the wagon with my "Blog for 30 Days" challenge, folks. Bad Mel. 

But I'm back tonight, with what may be a bit of a cheat post, but it's still pretty fun. About this time last year, I started keeping a "Plague Diary"--for most of March, all of April, and half of May (essentially when Lockdown was at its most severe, here, in the US) I blogged extensively, keeping a chronicle of my experience of the pandemic. And I'd always try to sign off on a positive note by sharing some of the relevant memes, quotes, and tweets I had come across. A lot of them didn't age well--Tiger King-themed content being a prime example--but some of them remain gems to this day. So, here are my favorite "funnies" from that dark, dark time. Most of them embody gallows humor in some shape or form...but what better way to diminish fear and pain than to laugh at it?

Happy Pandemiversary, Friends.