The Best of 2020. Which will be a reach.

But before I peace out of 2020...

Best Book I Read:

It's funny, you'd think with me having to Stay the Fuck at Home so much this year, I'd have read more. But for some reason my concentration was shot, and I only ready about 40 books this year. And very few of them really stuck out in my memory--which is nothing against any of the books. Some of them were really quite fine and buzz generating! The Girl with the Louding Voice and Shelter in Place both helped transport me. But oddly, it was America's First Daughter--a fictionalized account of the life of Thomas Jefferson's daughter--that I consider the most memorable, if not the best. I read it about a month before the elections, and it was oddly comforting to read about the governmental dysfunction and toxic party politics that seem to threaten our country from the outset. 

Best Purchase I Made: 

If one good thing came out of this shitshow of a year, it's that I cooked so much this year. Like, more than I have collectively in my entire life. Which tells us less about how much I cooked this year, and more about how little I cooked (i.e., functioned as an adult) in the previous years of my life. Anyway, along with the cooking came the acquisition of several bits and bobs of cookware, including this lovely Dutch oven. It's no Le Creuset, but I'm not fancy enough of a cook to need that at this point; this is versatile enough for me. I've made breads, curries, chilis, soups, and pot pies in this, and my god, I do feel adult-y when I'm  hovering over this pot, stirring away.  

Best Recipe I Cooked: 

Am I actually starting to enjoy cooking? Perhaps, although I will never be anything more than a barely-competent cook. However, I don't enjoy meal planning, so I rely mostly on Dinnerly for my weeknight meals. Nonetheless, I've enjoyed finding and trying out new recipes, and the one that I enjoyed the most this year was this (surprisingly healthy) shrimp and veggie skillet recipe. It was colourful and flavorful and rather delicious.

Best TV Show I Binged: 

Back in January, almost a year ago (!!!) when I was laying on my couch, possibly dying of Coronavirus (I'll fight you on this one; I know I had it), I had very little energy or will to live, so finally settled down and binged all of the existing episodes of The Crown. It's a truly magnificent show, and yes, I am biased because I'm an anglophile, but fuck you. It's great. It's beautiful and heartbreaking and thought-provoking (Queen Elizabeth may be a bit of a cold fish, but goddamn, she knows her duty, and you cannot underestimate that, these days), and it's kind of perfect that I was able to bookend the year by watching the latest season in December when I was laid up with a bad back.

Best Song I Listened To: 

Back in early July, one morning I was minding my own business and walking a letter to my mailbox, I suddenly felt my ankle turn. This has happened countless times before, but something about this time was different. Even as I was falling, I was thinking, Oh, this is going to be a bad one. I smacked my head into the sidewalk; my left cheek hit the cement and I heard my front tooth make contact with the unyielding surface. Immediately I tasted blood; I had bitten clean through my upper lip. Somehow, I hauled myself up and posted the letter and walked back to my apartment, badly shaken and tearful and thinking, Not my tooth. Please god, don't let me have broken my front tooth. I managed to actually do work through a lot of the day, but I was legitimately traumatized, and it kickstarted me into one of my spirals. By the evening, I was exhausted, drained, shaky, I had a bruise and scrape on my cheekbone, a busted lip, and a tiny chip in one of my teeth. On top of that, my mind was doing what it always does with even the slightest encouragement (or, rather, discouragement): I'm clumsy and worthless and can't even walk in a straight line and I'm falling apart and I'm an ugly incompetent mess and everything is awful. I poured a glass of wine and sat in bed, and started to listen to the Decemberists song Everything is Awful. I sniffled and wept a little, and then Spotify decided to intervene and move onto another song, unbidden. And suddenly I was listening to a defiant, angry, brave, female voice bellowing...

"And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on 
And your friends they sing along and they love you

But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap

And it teases you for weeks in its absence

But you'll fight it and you'll make it through

You'll fake it if you have to

You'll show up for work with a smile

You'll be better and you'll be smarter

And a better daughter or son and a real good friend

You'll be awake, you'll be alert, 

You'll be positive though it hurts..."

I sat there, with tears pouring down my battered face, listening to this anthem, and I have never felt more seen and validated in my whole goddamn messy life. And that night, Rilo Kiley's "A Better Son/Daughter" became my Song of 2020. 

Best Piece of Clothing I Wore: 

Ugh, SPORTS BRAS. DUH.

Best Picture to Sum Up My 2020:

Weirdest. Christmas. Ever.

...But, by golly, it was still Christmas. Having made the decision to lean into the holiday as best as I was able, I went right ahead and did what I could to enjoy things. 

On December 23: RUMBALLS!

Most years since returning home, I've spent the weekend before Christmas in Indy with my friend Dr J; during which, we partake in some sort of iconic Indy Christmas activity, eat an obscene amount, make rumballs and get drunk, and then watch cheesy holiday movies. This year, for obvious reasons, most of this couldn't happen...but Dr J , game as ever, joined me for an evening of making rumballs, drinking, chatting, and whatnot via Google Hangouts. 

Fuck you, 2020. I still win. And my rumballs are better than yours. 

December 24: It wasn't a white Christmas, per se, but it was balls-shrivelingly cold, and snow fell on and off throughout the day. I listened to Christmas music and drove about town, delivering Christmas gifts and nomnoms to people. And, for the first time ever, I went caroling. Not, like, going from door to door with a bunch of people, singing. But standing around, with three other women in Bryan Park, freezing our tits off as we sang to ourselves and each other. In masks. 6 feet apart. We crooned. We warbled. At times, we belted out tunes with gusto, if not pitch or rhythm or harmony. If we opted not to sing a song, we had to do an interpretive dance. It was awkward as hell, and delightful, and I very much hope we can do it again next year, with more of us, without masks. I'm sure the other park-goers wish no such thing.

December 25:  You know, I could focus on the fact that I spent this Christmas alone. But instead, I'm going to focus on the fact that this was, I think, the very first Christmas of my life, that I spent alone. How freaking lucky am I? But even so, I don't feel like I was alone this Christmas: my day was filled with phone calls, Skype dates, text and Facebook messages, cards and letters and emails. And, later in the day, I tuned in for the Queen's annual Christmas Speech. Her possibly immortal Royal Highness said, "Of course, for many, this time of year will be tinged with sadness: some mourning the loss of those dear to them, and others missing friends and family-members distanced for safety, when all they'd really want for Christmas is a simple hug or a squeeze of the hand. If you are among them, you are not alone and let me assure you of my thoughts and prayers."

Then I cried a little. And then, because I'm a demented magpie, I got distracted by the old broad's brooch.

Thus ended Christmas 2020. While it could certainly have been so much worse, at least for me, I can heartily say that I hope we never see its like again. This year took a lot out of us, and this holiday, even moreso. We've made it through, and we'll keep making it through, but we've got a long way to go. 

Stay safe, friends, and keep faith. Merry everything, and happy always.

A Letter To You

'

The thing that I have had the most difficulty processing during The Longest Apocalypse Ever is time. I've remarked on it in several entries before, so I won't bang on about it much now. Suffice to say...one moment, I'm doing battle with the Christmas tree ("Fuck you, Christmas tree! I win!") at the beginning of December, the next moment it's two days before Christmas and where the hell did December go?

(Although, let's be real: I've been saying shit like that for years now. It comes with the whole getting older thing, I reckon.)

Anyway, December has flown past, basically a blur of 10000 work emails, many nights of insomnia, and a ridiculous amount of YouTubers' silly, cozy vlogmas videos. However, I've been relatively engaged in this holiday season; I even managed to send out a few scores of Christmas cards, each with a personal message. Even a couple of actual, handwritten letters!

Writing out, and addressing, those cards was simultaneously very melancholy, yet oddly joyous. Each time I wrote someone's name, I conjured up a memory of our shared past, a vision of our potential future: Dear Jain (one day, we will hang out in your living room and once again bemoan the obliviousness of men); Dear Dotty (When this is over, we will gather together at Divvy and eat overpriced appetizers and share memories of our common ancestors); Dear Connie-Mom (when flying is safe again, I will come to California and see you and let you mother me); Dear Jessica and Eric (maybe by this time next year we will be together, in person, laughing at cheesy Hallmark movies); Dear Beth (I cannot wait to hold your baby, who is not so much of a baby anymore) Dear Casey (remember when we baked cookies and practiced for our Latin finals while John the Saint brandished those silly oven mitts?)...on, and on, and on. Word after word, sentence after sentence, I labored over those missives and sent such powerful love to those who have peopled my life, who chose to keep me in their lives, who I miss so much, and love more fiercely each day. A fucking plague may keep us physically apart, but so help me god, it won't keep folks out of my heart and mind.

Keep Buggering On, friends. 

A Very 2020 Christmas: The One Where I Decorate the Tree and Bore You to Death

So, back about fifteen years ago, in early September, I hatched a plan that, in retrospect, was about the most unrealistic thing I could have concocted. I promised myself that if there wasn't a resurgence of the plague come Christmas, I'd drive down to Florida to spend the holidays with my sisters.

Ha. Ha. Ha. (Definitely not Ho ho ho.)

For a number of reasons that should be obvious, this isn't happening. The plague is resurging. I work with people almost every day, and I would rather not put my family at risk. And even though I've spent most of the past year in isolation, it hasn't turned me into a total asshole. The winter is slowly closing in on us here in the Midwest, and since it's no longer easy to socialize out-of-doors, people are doing exactly what anyone could have predicted: they're being dumbasses, inside. 

Anyway. I digress. My point is: Boy howdy, I will sure as shit be home for Christmas. Home as in my Indiana home, not my Florida past-home. 

It's hard. I love Christmas, weird little heathen that I am. I love the decorations and lights and coming up with lovely ideas for gifts, and I love the songs and parties and foods and glittering, glowing, sparkling joy. I even love the rather melancholy, but entirely inevitable, time of reflection that comes along with the lowering grey skies and the year ending, when memories of family and friends who have moved on or passed on out of my life crowd into my head once more. 

When I made the decision not to go to Florida for Christmas, I sulked and stewed inwardly for a second, and resented anything and everything about 2020. And then I thought, "2020 doesn't have to ruin Christmas. I can still enjoy this fucking holiday. If I choose not to, that's on me." So, I decided to lean into this extraordinarily fucked-up holiday season as much as I could. 

One of my favorite traditions is decorating my tree. One day, I'll have two Christmas trees--one of those shiny sparkly bougie themed trees for show in the living room window, and a hodge-podge tree with all of my lovely ornaments and bits and bobs I've acquired over the years. But for now, all I have is a scraggly old tree with a hideous assortment of ornaments. I usually have a friend or two over to keep me company as I put up the various ornaments, who patiently listen as I share the backstory of some of them. This year, of course, I can't do that. 

Except I can. With all y'all!

This is the latest addition--my brother-in-law sent this along
 to me, and if isn't perfect, I don't know what is!

When my sisters and I were wee mites, we would play with the ornaments

on our tree, much as though they were dolls and accessories. Our cousin

worked for Avon, and provided us with a magical treasure trove of Avon-

issued ornaments to aid us in our earnest flights of fancy. One of our favorites 

from this trove was the set of "Nutcracker" characters; we'd spend countless 

hours, over many Decembers,  with these crude wooden ornaments clutched 

in our fumbling, childish hands. Of course, they disappeared during the various

 traumas and upheavals of our adolescence, but about 12 years ago, Eldest Sister 

scored a vintage set on Etsy and brought this magic back into my life. 

Each year, my friends Michael and Anna give me an ornament with

 a picture of their son, my "nephew". These pictures always remind 

me of how we choose our family, and how lucky I am that 

these lovely people chose me for their family, too. 

One of my ex-boyfriends...we'll call him Mr. Robinson...gave this to 

me, back in 1998. It was originally part of a set (with Mickey, of

 course), but Mickey has long since departed. Or perhaps I showed 

Mickey the door, much was I eventually did with Mr Robinson? 

Also, I don't give two hoots about Disney shit, but the boyfriend 

sure did. I'm still not sure why he got me this, but I know why I keep 

it. Mr Robinson passed away five years ago now, and as problematic

 as our relationship was, it feels wrong to forget it, or him. 

Back in 2002, I was living with another boyfriend (John the Saint). It 

was my first apartment; it was the first man I shacked up with; it was the 

first time I had my very own Christmas tree. It was a beautiful (thematic!)

 tree, decorated in silver and white and ice-blue and lavender. This spray

 of stars is the only remaining ornament from that gorgeous tree...and 

close to the only thing that remains of my time with John the Saint. 

Speaking of boyfriends (again), this is an ornament that I purchased 

back during Indiana 1.0, in 2004, when I was shacked up with my boyfriend

 at the time (Mr. Indiana, AKA the previously mentioned Michael.) In the

 great scheme of my life, it was a fairly short-lived relationship, and it

 ended with me throwing out or giving away most of my belongings, packing 

whatever was left in my car, and driving to California to launch my career

 as a librarian. What on earth made me decide, Yes, I will save this ornament, 

but not my pots and pans, and move it with me all the way to California? 

No fucking clue, but I'm glad I did!

Speaking of California...this little dangly, wobbly...crawdad? bay bug? came 

into my life around 2007, given to me by one of the first friends I made when

 I came to California. Kristin and I both had (and hopefully still have) a ridiculously
 absurd and quirky sense of humor, and every year, when I unpack this little guy, 

I laugh as much as I did when I first got him. Damn, I miss Kristin. 

My time in California (along with my marriage) finally and thankfully

 came to an end, and I returned home to the Midwest. I was so freakin' glad 
to shake the California dust from my shoes,  but I still stayed in touch with 
some of the folks I had befriended there. My first Christmas back in Indiana, one 
of those California friends orchestrated a Secret Santa exchange with all of 
her Facebook friends, and I decided to participate...only to be gifted, by some
 well-intentioned stranger, these ornaments. At the time I unwrapped them,
  I maybe shuddered a little bit, but enough time has passed now that when I
 put these ornaments on the tree, I smile and remember that past life and don't
  curse all those who peopled it to the bowels of hell. (Also, they live in 
Palm Springs, so I'm pretty sure they're already in hell.)

Whenever I travel to someplace new (oh, travel! remember that?) 

I like to pick up a Christmas ornament to remind me of my travels.

 In 2019, I journeyed to Australia, and picked up this little guy. 

It's a cassowary. Otherwise known as a Murder Bird. 

The end result of all these ornaments, gathered over various lives within my life. And 

yes, that is a mask you see, dangling towards the bottom of the tree. Fuck you, 2020.

I Got Lost In My Travels: Australia, Part 2

Flying across the world is no joke--particularly when your flight requires you to jump ahead in time. Brian and I departed from LAX on a Saturday evening, and when we shuffled, zombie-like, off our plane  into the Brisbane Airport 14 hours later, it was Sunday night. The flight itself had not been awful--on the contrary, it was probably the best flight I've ever been on, with plenty of food and wine and leg room and enforced, guilt-free idleness. But a 14 hour flight is a 14 hour flight--plus, as much as possible, we fought hard against the temptation to sleep on the plane. The reason being: we had a 12 hour layover in Brisbane before the final leg of our journey to Cairns the following morning, which was  a freaking awesome opportunity to try to orient ourselves to Australia time. We rented a hotel room adjoining the airport, and collapsing into the bed was utter bliss. 

Too soon, we had to wake up for our next flight, but we were nearly there, nearly to the real start of the vacation. As we left the hotel, I hounded Brian about putting on sunblock--"Highest rates of skin cancer in the world, dude!"--but when we stepped outside and took in the fact that the sun had not yet even risen, Brian simply smirked and shook his head, and I knew I would be in for many years of mockery. 

Three hours later, as our flight began to descend over Cairns, I happened to glance out the window--my eye had caught an interruption in the endless blue of the Coral Sea. Below us was a massive reef. I nudged Brian, and together we silently watched one reef, and then another, and then another, pass by far below, and for the first time, I grasped the sheer size of the Great Barrier Reef. And what we were seeing was only a tiny, tiny portion.

Cairns: The Gateway to the Great Barrier Reef. My initial impressions were somewhat muted--travel and sunlight and heat and crowds often overwhelm me, and there was plenty of all of that! It's a bustling city, or at least it was a year ago. I suppose, a bit, it reminded me of a far-less-trashy Daytona Beach. And to be fair, most folks don't go to Cairns to go to Cairns; it's a stopping off point before moving on to the really good stuff. And that's exactly what we used it for. We didn't waste a moment. The instant after we tumbled out of our cab, we hit the ground running--we got to our hotel and dumped our stuff and charged ahead. The next couple of hours we spent  exploring, getting some local currency, and grabbing a bite to eat, before heading to the Marina, where we took a ferry to Green Island. 

Not much to say about Green Island--it's a resorty-kind of island, catering to daytrippers and overnighters. We booked a brief excursion to there, simply because the idea of me not exploring the Great Barrier Reef on my first day was anathema. And it was worth it; we snorkeled a bit, and it felt a bit like an appetizer of things to come. And we got to spend some time stalking this little fella: 

 

Our time at Green Island was brief--perhaps mercifully so, as it really was crowded-- and after a few hours of snorkeling and walking about the island, we hauled our waterlogged bodies back onto the ferry, which soon deposited us back on the Mainland. Blissfully exhausted, we made our way back to the hotel for a bit of rest before we went out to dinner. 

Later that evening, we sat outside on the terrace of an Indian restaurant, and enjoyed a soft breeze finally start soothing away some of the heat of the day. We relaxed over our paneer masala, lamb vindaloo, and naan, watched the crowds of tourists pass by,  and agreed that no matter where one went, Indian food was delicious the whole world over. We managed to stay awake long enough to devour it all, and then stumbled back to our hotel for a few hours of sleep. 

(To this day, I resent the amount of time I had to spend on sleep when I was there. Anyone else feel like that about vacations?) 

Our next installment will find your intrepid heroine on the high seas, trying her best to befriend sharks and keep her cool whenever she finds Nemo.

I Got Lost In My Travels: Australia, Part 1

I've never really trusted time. It seems to be one of the most inconstant concepts, you know? You're experiencing something wonderful, and time flies. You're witnessing a catastrophe unfold and 5 seconds can feel like 5 minutes. You're engaged in something absolutely boring and time seems to move backwards. You graduate from college at twenty-two and then five years later, you're forty and trying to figure out how many years have actually passed. 

So? Time? Never to be trusted, in either the best or worst of circumstances. And then there's time in 2020--we'll call it "Plague Time." I've recently started falling into the habit of saying something like, "Oh, yeah, we did such-and-such about seven years ago, back in August." Y'all know what I'm talking about. I've heard a dozen variations of it over the course of the last eight months; I've seen it play out in countless ways. Someone forgets to pay their rent at the beginning of the month because what is time anymore? Someone no longer can find their watch, because they haven't had to be anywhere at a certain time since god only knows when. I've missed more than one meeting, forgotten more than one appointment, and entire months have blurred together for me.     

So it seems a little ridiculous for me to say what I'm about to say, given that Plague Time makes the following statement feel a little impossible: 

A year ago today I was on a flight to Australia, with my friend and travel companion, Brian, headed for an unforgettable Bucket List experience.

Whenever I start to feel a little low, or anxious, or isolated, or completely defeated--which is to say, about once every ten minutes--I remind myself of how, a mere year ago, I was so very lucky and privileged to be able to go on that journey. The timing was freakishly lucky--the Australian Bushfires had already started but had not yet gotten out of hand, and we had about four months to go before the world really went to hell in a handbasket, with the pandemic. Of course, when Brian and I were sitting on that plane, happily availing ourselves to the free booze and trying to figure out which movies to watch first, we didn't think about pandemics and travel bans and masks and crowds and all the ways that our lives were about to get completely upended. 

It was an incredible trip; we spent almost twelve days exploring Tropical North Queensland, snorkeling the Great Barrier Reef, hiking through the Daintree Rainforest, and simply reveling in a land so completely different from what we've known and experienced. And then, in a blink of an eye (that pesky, fickle concept of time again) we were back Stateside, and returning to our homes and our jobs and our cats and the holidays. And what with one thing and another, I never did get around to posting on the ol' blaurgh about this magical trip. 

Well, now that we are in the middle of a raging pandemic, and the weather here in Southern Indiana is turning pretty durned cold and precluding even outdoor gatherings, I certainly have a bit more time on my hands than I used to. So I'll see if I can't take a bit of that fickle time and spend some of it recalling and recording my journey to Australia, and my explorations there. Maybe it will only serve as a memorial for that one time I went somewhere--or maybe it will be an inspiration and reminder that fuck yeah, some day, some time, I'll go somewhere again. 

And you will, too. 

Plague Thoughts, September 2020

Normally this is almost my favorite time of year--summer is in its death throes; a peep of scarlet and gold starts tingeing the trees; the mornings are sometimes a little bit cool; the last of the crickets keep chirping, a bit feebly, but grimly holding on though they must know, instinctively, that their season is coming to a close. We are on the cusp of what is usually my favorite time of year--fall fun and frolicking with friends, followed by wintery, cold, bleakness outside, and cozy companionship inside. 

But this year--not so much. Fall and winter will come, and that is comforting enough, I suppose. Time will keep on keepin' on, and each passing month will bring us closer to the end of this current bizarre, lonely, masked universe in which we've landed ourselves. It's only been, what? 6 months since we relocated to this current Dumbest Timeline, but really, it feels like literal years. Memories from the first few months of 2020 are fuzzy and fading, and it now feels like all I've ever known is this. Zoom meetings. Masks. Nightmares about being stuck in crowds without masks. Grocery deliveries. Things like casual shopping trips, hugs and handshakes, simple library processes and policies, nights at the local bars, plane trips, and buffets--all of them distant echoes from the now-mythical Before Times. 

Just after the "shutdown", but before everything really seemed to go into stasis, I attended an impromptu meeting at the library. As we spoke about various pieces of business related to how to operate in the weeks ahead, I looked around the table and wondered, When will we all meet in person again?

6 months later, and we haven't yet. 

In late July, during the lowest point of my (inevitable) isolation and depression, I had the good sense to set up a recurring "family time" with my aunt and uncle. Once a week, I drive out to the country where they live and the three of us sit on their front lawn and watch the sun set and the birds and squirrels and chipmunks frolic--all of us masked, and me sitting far away from them. It's a peaceful and sweet and comforting routine, and I hope we can keep it going until the winter. 

The other evening, as I was driving home from my weekly family time with them, I drove past a sushi restaurant on the outskirts of town. This sushi restaurant has been here for a dog's age--since before the first time I had lived here. For 16 years at least, and probably a lot more, that sushi restaurant has stood in the same location--slightly shabby, but always there. And in business. What unremarkable sushi and indifferent service failed to do, the pandemic seems to have succeeded at. The place seems to be a shell--the building is dark and empty and silent; the business sign isn't lit. Has the sushi restaurant gone completely out of business, or have the owners only gone to ground, temporarily, until happier, healthier times? Either way, I realized that I had hit a new point in These Pandemic Times (TM)--I found myself relating to a building. I'm still present, still enduring, but I feel weirdly empty, dark, and silent. Abandoned, even. My existence feels as though it has dwindled down to the basics: work, which is comforting for its routines and schedules and company, but also stressful and a little heartbreaking; grocery deliveries; occasional visits outside in parks and on lawns with a dwindling group of friends. Several of the people in my social circle have moved out of state over the course of the pandemic. My dreams and ambitions (such as they were) are on hold--if you will, on a leave of absence. Closed until further notice, but not permanently. One day, I hope to re-occupy the building of my life, but right now, all I have it in me to do is...well, exist. Endure. 

Indiana feels the same.