A Frank Conversation

Little-known but VERY cool fact; remember those self-helpy Skeletor memes that ran rampant
 aroundteh Interwebs close to 10 years back? Eldest Sister was the original creator. 

For fifteen years, I have been on antidepressants. I've been in therapy on and off throughout most my adult life. I'm very frank about my struggles with mental health--mainly dysthymia and free-floating anxiety, but also, now, increasingly, my unaddressed traumas from childhood. I try to be frank about this because "if you mention it, you can manage it"--in other words, I am a big believer in the need to be honest about humanity's need to achieve better mental and emotional health, and no one is well-served by surrounding illness of any sort with silence and stigma. 

So, in a lot of ways, I feel like I was lucky--I already had some tools in place to deal with the stress and disruptions of this past year. But nonetheless, it's been a fucking awful time for me, particularly the first 6 months. Y'all, I was not okay. To be honest, I'm still not okay. I'm exhausted, and sad, and isolated, and burnt out, and I feel like a failure, and like I will lose my shit if something else goes wrong. I am responsible for a lot of folks at my work, and I feel like I am disappointing them every day. I try to check in with my friends regularly, but I feel like I should be doing so much more for them. I know I'm not taking care of myself. I'm not sleeping well. I feel like I'm screaming into a fucking void.  I'm not okay. And that's okay. Ultimately, I'll be okay, at least for a while. Because that's how depression works, at least for me, even during a pandemic. I'll be okay. I have to be. But my depression and mental health struggles are not the same as your struggles. 

I'm worried about us. I'm worried about the people who report to me; I'm worried about my colleagues and my supervisors and my family and friends; I'm worried about the millions of children who are missing out on the structure and routines of formal, in-person education; I'm worried about the people out of work; I'm worried about what the suicide statistics are going to look like when this is all said and done. Let's just be very clear about this: most of us, the whole world over, are experiencing a massive, ongoing trauma. Acknowledge that. Sit with that. And then ask yourself, what next? 

You don't have to talk with me. But if you want to come out on the other side of this fucking nightmare, if you want to not just survive, but thrive, be honest with yourself. How are you feeling? How are you doing? How can you do one thing, just one thing (but hopefully more than just one thing) to help manage your situation? Who can you talk to? Do you feel like one more thing will just break you? Step back. If you can, take a mental health day, take stock, reach out to the people you trust most, and plan some next steps. Because things can get better. Everything is a fucking pointless, ceaseless struggle right now, for each of us, in completely unique ways. My pandemic and struggles are not your pandemic and struggles, but it's not a pissing contest to prove who hurts the most. We're all struggling, but acknowledging that struggle is the first step towards making shit better.  Talking about it helps. If we can mention it, we can manage it. 

Below are a few (US-based) resources, in case you want to try to get some help through this: 

National Suicide Prevention Hotline provides 24/7, free, confidential support for people in distress/

National Alliance on Mental Illness has a lot of great resources, including a helpline you can call for initial guidance and support. 

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, provides a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, and referrals to local services.  

Find a Therapist: If you are privileged enough to have health insurance, or the financial means to afford therapy, this resource, provided by Psyschology Today, is 100% everything you need to find the right counselor for you. You can start by searching by zipcode, and narrow down from there what you're looking for. 

If you're enrolled in college classes, check in with your campus's health services. Some of the best counselors I've ever visited were through my college. 

A lot of local organizations provide referrals to therapists who charge on a sliding scale; I believe some of the above-mentioned sources can get you turned into the right direction for those local sources. 

Keep buggering on, folks. I'll see you on the other side.