Plague Diaries, Issue 18: March 30, 2020

Here's another thing about me, folks. A lot of the time, I don't feel like I am, by nature, an optimistic or positive person. My default thoughts are often cross and snarky and uncharitable, and when I try to give someone the benefit of the doubt, it's because I try, not because it happens by nature. I have dysthymia and anxiety, and each day, it's an immense effort, to say nothing of an act of courage, to try to be hopeful and optimistic.  (I also acknowledge that the more privilege one has--be it through their wealth, sex, skin color, education, physical appearance, similar support networks--the easier it is to maintain that optimism. It's easier to be cheerful and hopeful when your larder is stocked, your health insurance is paid up, and you have a network of family and friends to fall back upon.)

Tonight, I don't have that optimism. And I don't have the energy for that optimism.

It's funny--in general, it was a good day. I got my physical exercise done as soon as I rolled out of bed; I was quietly attentive in a work meeting; I stuck with my meal plan; I got chores done; I tended to Professor Susan. But on my way home from the Prof's, tonight, I

Just

Got

Sad.

Given that I am safe and healthy and financially sound, at present, I don't know that I am sad for myself. Maybe it's more of a sympathetic sadness, directed towards others. And guilt. And anger. So many people are stressed and scared and anxious. We're all isolated. Many of us are sick, or mourning those who have died, or are anxiously awaiting news about loved ones. Our lives are in limbo, waiting not just for this plague to pass, but also to see what the longer-term political and economic consequences will be. I think that there's starting to build within me an anger, for it's becoming more and more clear how so much of what we are going through could have been mitigated had our country and leaders been more competent and honest and proactive.

So, here we are. Here I am. After I got back from the Prof's this evening, I just sat in my home for a long time. Sat with these emotions, and these thoughts, until I felt able to get up, move around, and not be quite so pinioned by their unrelenting weight. And maybe, in putting those thoughts and feelings on here blaurgh, I can let them sit until I am ready to come contemplate them again.

I read on the Harvard Business Review recently, That Discomfort That You're Feeling is Grief. If that's the case, well then, there are some stages of this grief that we all have to work through. And I will tell myself what I have told many hurting people before: It's hard to know what's normal and healthy when you're grieving a loss. Let yourself feel how you need to feel. Try to find healthy ways to cope, but be gentle. And really, right now, there's no real normal ways to feel, anyway.

Tonight, I am sad. Tomorrow morning, I hope I will rise and turn my face to the sun and feel restored enough by sleep to once more resurrect the courage I need to be of good cheer in the days to come.

Before I switch over to the usual things I end these posts with, I'll leave you with this:

"Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness."
-Max Ehrmann, Desiderata

Daily Indiana COVID-19 Count: 

1786 (up from yesterday's 1514)
35 people have died.

Daily Gratitude: 

This fool, Indiana Jasonville Bruecks. 

Daily Funnies